I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
