Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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