oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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