I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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