I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
