life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
