Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
