sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
