I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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