ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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