I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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