hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
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She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
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I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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