i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
