Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
