I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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