there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
