clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Randomize
