I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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