I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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