I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
