Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
