somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
