Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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