I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
