This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
