Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
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