i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Did I show you my penis last night?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
