hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
