I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize