I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
