I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
