Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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