I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
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Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
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I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.