I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?