You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
