woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
This house was built for laser tag.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
