I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Say something about gay babies.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Randomize
