Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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