Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
