Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
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Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
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Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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