Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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