I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
