bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
