My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
