Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
