They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
