Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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