the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
