Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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