Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Randomize
