She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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