No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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