I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
So many bounce houses so little time
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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