The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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