I puked a lego.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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