I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
