The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
