My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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