that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
