Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
THAT is your concern right now?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.