My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
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Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
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Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off