No awkward lesbian experiences without me
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs