This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
