You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
