He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
